Month: <span>September 2019</span>

Good child-rearing is one of the most vital responsibilities us parents carry with us throughout our lifetime. More and more research reveal the degree of influence parents have on their children’s long range mental health.  It really isn’t about following the best child-rearing practices around; it is about what we personally bring to the table.  And, oftentimes, we bring to the table what was left with us when we were growing up.  Sadly, we transfer our own foibles to the next generation.  Although we thankfully don’t carry the whole load, giving some credit to peer influences, genetics, their own life experiences, and society’s effects, parents are truly the ones that have the most impact. 

There has been increased studies on the effects of plain, old, childhood emotional neglect.  This doesn’t include other types of abuse, such as emotional abuse, or being frequently criticized or manipulated as a child.  This is about not receiving sufficient affection, attention or nurturance.  So, let’s say you are a depressed parent who doesn’t seek help, or a parent who works all of the time and with good intentions.  There is no intent to harm, but the effects of child neglect can be great. 

It is our human nature, especially at a young age, to feel cared about and loved.  When emotionally neglected, a child is at risk for long-term adult problems, with common characteristics including feelings of emptiness, being hopelessly flawed with low self-esteem, dependency on others for validation, excessive guilt, feeling ashamed with some self-hatred mixed with anger towards those they feel harmed by, difficulty identifying and expressing their feelings, and their own lack of self-compassion.  If there is no insight as to what they bring to the table, the table will be the same for the next generation; a depletion of affection, attention, nurturance, and without intent.

The good news is that not all adults who experience emotional childhood neglect struggle with these problems.  We are all different, and children cope in various ways.  Among many factors, children’s level of coping depends on their own personal character.  For example, a child who is more sensitive and introspective is more likely effected from emotional neglect than a more resilient child who somehow holds some protective lining and is able to coast easier through times of vulnerability. 

The other good news is that we, as parents, can change.  With hope and understanding, we can gain insight about its effects and realize we can make a difference for ourselves and our children.   

As no one can predict how a child interprets their own world until they gain some insight later in life, it is still a generational flow.  Unless us parents deal with our own maladies, the table setting for our kids remains the same.

Claudia A. Liljegren, MSW, LICSW

St. William’s Mental Health Services

Have you ever offered a neighbor some apples from your tree only to later realize that there was none left over for yourself?  How about times you were generous with your money but then learned it was squandered?  Or maybe you borrowed out something only to receive it back in poorer condition, or not at all.  None of these are legal offenses.  They are occurrences that most of us experience from time to time.

Oftentimes, as the giver, it sets us aback and we are surprised at the rawness of it all.  It leaves us hurt and angry, and we gain a sense of distrust and fear that the same thing will happen again down-the-road if we aren’t careful.   We may even be more cautious with our generosity the next time around.  Of course, it helps when we learn that the deception was not intentional, or that the problem was merely missed communication; or, even if there may be a good underlying reason that we are not privy to.  None of us want to be taken advantage of, but being paranoid and distrustful are surely not virtues we seek.  What can we do to protect ourselves, yet remain a generous people?  

As most of us realize, being a “giver” abounds its own rewards.  It heartens our souls.  It has its own energy and we seek to do more giving because we are left with the good feelings it generates inside.  Giving to others helps our mental health.  It takes us away from our own hurts and insecurities, at least for a time.  It helps us feel valued and that we can make a difference. 

We are still left with the pre-ponderance of what to do when we are intentionally misled.  Do we want to teach others that it is ok to do self-serving damage to another by doing nothing?  Is it our duty to help others recognize the harm they have done so that they can change or challenge their motives?  And for those repeat offenders, what can we do to maintain our open-handedness without distrust lapping up our good intentions? 

1. Before giving, decide if it matters what happens in the end; how would you feel if all the apples are indeed taken, or your gift of money is squandered; or your possessions are returned in poor condition, or not returned at all?  If it doesn’t matter, there probably isn’t a problem
2. If there are stipulations:
   1. Make the conditions clear.  Set boundaries
   2. Know your receiver; usually, but not always, history is a good predictor of the future.
   3. Work collaboratively with the receiver to ensure your intention is followed and the end result is mutual

Regardless of any ill-will done by some, generosity is truly a gift to our mental health.  Giving makes the world go around. It helps us repair the parts of ourselves that otherwise would be left to its own devises.  Being generous is a boomerang effect most of the time; a gift to both, and a virtue too significant to restrain. 

Claudia A. Liljegren, MSW, LICSW

St. William’s Mental Health

So often, we trust our reasoning.  I mean, why would our logical mind lie to us?  Unfortunately, we oftentimes base our logic on our own sensitivities and perceptions, and not on the facts.  Our thoughts can easily be blundered and we don’t even realize it.  “Feeling Good Handbook”, by Beck and Burns scopes out these problems, identifying at least 11 mistakes in our thinking.  Maybe if we can catch these mistakes, we will be more rational and have an easier time with ourselves and in our relationships.  The following is a list of common reasoning blunders, or better known as Cognitive Distortions:

1. All-or-Nothing Thinking / Polarized Thinking, without finding a middle ground (e.g., “I have to get all A’s or I’m a failure”

2. Overgeneralization, or taking one instance and making across-the-board statements (e.g., “I burned the potatoes, so the whole meal was a disaster”).

3. Mental Filter, or despite all being positive except for one, all is negative (e.g., “Because I received a warning, although I never got a ticket in all the years of driving, I’m a poor driver”).

4. Disqualifying the Positive, or rejecting positive feedback vs. embracing them (e.g., “He is just saying I’m an excellent employee because he is trying to be nice”).

5. Jumping to Conclusions – Mind Reading, or believing that you know what others are thinking with negative interpretations (e.g., “They are not looking at me when they pass me by because they don’t like me and are avoiding me”).

6. Jumping to Conclusions – Fortune Telling, or making conclusions/predictions with little to no evidence (e.g., “I’ll never get married because none of my dating experiences”).

7. Magnification (Catastrophizing) or Minimization, or exaggerating or minimizing the importance of the meaning of things (e.g., “I dropped the ball when playing sports, so I’ll never be a good player”, or “I got the last point in the game, but it was just luck – I’m not that good of a player”).

8. Emotional Reasoning, or letting emotions be your logic (e.g., “I feel angry, so what is happening right now is unjustified”).

9. Should Statements, or feeling guilty if the “shoulds” aren’t done (e.g., “I should have called and maybe everything would have been ok”

10. Labeling and Mislabeling, or judging someone based on one instance or experience (e.g., “He is a lazy bum” when individual is mislabeled and instead had sleeping problems for the past couple nights)

11. Personalization, or taking things personal when they aren’t meant to be (e.g., “We didn’t have fun last night because I was late”

“Blunder catching” is a way to help keep ourselves more logical when emotions get in the way.  It is good mental health and it does make it easier to deal with ourselves and our relationships.

Claudia A. Liljegren, MSW, LICSW

St. William’s Mental Health

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