Category: <span>Mental Health</span>

As the Corona virus continues, many of us struggle with sporadic, unwanted and unruly emotions that we don’t know how to deal with.   Most everyone doesn’t like to feel difficult emotions, and without good emotional management and a common-sense direction to file these feelings, emotions oftentimes relieve themselves in unhealthy ways through the use of volatility and aggression as well as the use of defense mechanisms, or unconscious ways individuals use to protect themselves from the intensity of these emotions. 

There are many ways our emotions can get us into trouble if not tended to, and the one emotion that speaks the loudest and is more socially acceptable these days, is anger.  For example, as cursing seems to be more of an accurate depiction of what one feels inside, it seems to be deemed as more acceptable.  Also, have you noticed more recently that Minnesota Nice is harder to come by, with sharper tongues, increased irritability, explosive tempers, elevated resentments, or more frequent complaints?  And, then there are those that are inspired to blow their gaskets, take on threatening swipes, roar at others, or get into another’s face after continued illustrations of aggression blasted in the TV news reports.  The intensity of emotion is ineffective and consequential.  In fact, managing the emotion of anger is a key to resolving the issues that may have brought on anger in the first place. 

And, then there is the type or expression of anger that contributes to the toll an emotion holds, despite its intensity.   Defense mechanisms are commonly used to deal with the emotion sideways, usually to protect oneself from internal anxiety or conflict.  Usually, anger takes on two common defenses:  Blaming others or situations directly without looking back at numero-uno; or displaced or projected anger in which one transfers the blame onto someone or something else that is really not directly involved.  Both expressions are damaging and give rise to increased animosity and deeper wounds.   However, at least with direct blame, one is able to defend or respond accordingly.  With displaced anger, the source of one’s frustrations are not clear or hard to directly impact, and thus seeking someone or something else less threatening is oftentimes a win if they can capture a vulnerable side-step as a replacement target.  A good example of displaced anger is… “kicking the dog” after a hard day’s work; a sad but heinous occurrence most dare not confess because of the absurdity of it all.

Blaming others or using displaced anger is a cowards’ way out.  There is no identified responsibility of self.  Both do damage, and the effects are lingering.  Displaced anger is unfair.  It gives rise to the wrong opponent.  Unfortunately, “Kicking a dog when it’s down” happens more than anyone wants to admit.  Yes, dogs can be annoying at times, especially when one is spent from the day.  However, when anger is at the door seething for a reason to blow, the dog, by its very nature, is at risk.   An unwelcomed greeting with continual licks, being underfoot, or demanding a head pat or a hug can indeed trigger oneself to go over the edge.  As the harsh words are expelled and the foot boots the dog, there may be a smitten of release only to later find Man’s Best Friend bruised and retreated, and guilt spawning.  

If we are willing to be afront to a dog, how much easier is it to displace anger onto family members or friends who likely can’t find reprieve because of being homebound from the pandemic? How about those we work with or spend our time with?  How much anger can be spent without some sort of consequence?  We need to learn how to manage our emotions and reactions, and know what to do to deal with them as we cope with ourselves during the stressors of COVID-19…. And for goodness sakes, don’t kick the dog!  

Claudia A. Liljegren, MSW, LICSW

Out-patient psychotherapist

Many adults know what it feels like to be traumatized as a child because they have experienced it themselves while growing up, be it tornados or floods, accidents, death of a close family member or friend, poverty, peer teasing, or difficulties at home.  However, in our lifetime, most of us have not experienced a world-wide trauma, like a pandemic or world war.

World-wide events are different than more localized traumas as there is some sense of normalcy still standing outside the disaster.  However, when the whole world is dealing with a pandemic, it is hard to find the anchor.   There is no knowledge as to where the COVID-19 will take us, how bad it will get and how long it will last.  Most of what we do know is that there have been pandemics in the past and we have survived them.  It is at least a reference point.   

How do we help our children if the adults in the room aren’t able to gain perspective themselves on how to move forward?  Even though most of us adults are struggling with heightened anxiety and fear ourselves about the pandemic, that dread is quickly infiltrated to our children.  Overall, children are mostly vulnerable as their developing brains are easily overwhelmed with raw emotions of which a filter has not yet emerged.  They haven’t gained a perspective as to how to survive, and without logic or guidance, children can easily become prey to their own explosive emotions and the trauma itself is absorbed into the fabric of their own development, with lifelong influences.  

Nearly 5 months in and children have already experienced the surge of emotion that comes with traumas.  It can take the form of anger, irritability, clinginess, sleeping difficulties and nightmares, and isolation. Along with life or death worries and fears, their lives have also been disrupted with no school, limited contact with their friends and extended families, the scarcity of activities they have become accustomed to, their parents’ own struggles with increased demands, the change of structure at home with parents having fluctuating work schedules and environments, budgeting changes, a lack of structure and much less stimulation than their previous life before COVID-19.  Children need to know that despite the trauma, a part of their lives are still indeed normal, and life goes on.  Children need their parents or guided adults to help them realize that their whole world isn’t caving in. 

Parents need to manage their own stressors so that they can be good role models for their children.  Parents need to be perceptive to their children’s needs and avail themselves accordingly.  Parents need to give their children the love and attention they need to help them find ways to express themselves and direct their fears and anxieties to a level that they can manage.  Parents need to be honest with their children, explaining what is happening in a way that they can understand, even if they are young.     Parents need to provide structure and routines to their days so that their children can find some anchor.  Parents need to find a sense of “normalcy”, so that their children can grasp it as well.

Claudia A. Liljegren, MSW, LICSW

Shopping at garage sales is a lot of fun; especially when you are able to accumulate things you’ve “always wanted”, especially at a good price. Garage saling can also take on a life of its own. Usually, it is a time for women to get together, have coffee or brunch and do something light-hearted and casual on a Friday or Saturday morning.  Cruising the streets for sale signs, dropping in for a look, putzing around, bartering and then leaving with an armful of good stuff and pocket change only to go at it for another round. 

As these treasures accumulate and as the years go by, it is fairly common to find a buyer in their packed home where there is no more room to spare.  It is a dilemma for sure, but then again garage sale buyers usually beget garage sale sellers!  Buying and selling is the draw, and the social get-togethers remain steadfast; unless of course buying without selling becomes a stickler.   

Unfortunately, there are indeed some who just cannot part from all those treasures they have collected throughout the years; and as the problem merges further, they find themselves in cramped living conditions with only narrow pathways winding through stacks of clutter.  Countertops, book cases, sinks, stoves, desks, stairways, and all other surfaces are piled high and can fall in domino fashion with a simple nudge.  And then, if there still isn’t room, there is always the garage, storage units or even stacks of stuff piled outside. 

Individuals with a Hoarding Disorder have a very difficult time discarding their possessions because of their belief that they need to save.  Even thinking of parting with their items brings them significant stress and anxiety, regardless of the actual value of the items.  Common characteristics for those that hoard have difficulty planning, organizing, and making decisions, procrastinate and avoid ways to deal with arising issues, and struggle with getting rid of things or wasting anything that could be used later.  They also tend to have an emotional connection with the objects collected, reminding them of previous times they felt happier or safer.  There are treatment efforts available to reduce hoarding behavior and one finds they have grown out of their own home.  However, many also can learn to stop and take action to reduce the clutter once they realize the problem.  Keep garage saling fun by managing its potential aftermath!

Claudia A. Liljegren, MSW, LICSW

Are you one of those oversensitive souls that take things too personally and oftentimes feel attacked when the other person didn’t intend to hurt you?  Possibly, they were just giving you feedback or making suggestions to you, and you took it to heart.  Or, maybe they actually were confronting you or even criticizing something that you were doing, and you felt like you melted into a puddle on the floor, feeling worthless.  Maybe you search for facial expressions or gestures that might validate others’ dislike towards you, because you already know inside that they don’t care for you or that you’ve disappointed them.   Maybe, you over-analyze even a huff, or reading into getting no responses from others as reinforcing your belief that you don’t matter to them.  If you struggle with being over-sensitive to rejection, are you also your own worst enemy?   Does your inside voice rattle off a plethora of negative statements about yourself, questioning your own self-worth?  Your strong yearning to be cared about and approved by others may actually be an attempt to overcompensate for the lack of support you give yourself. 

Oftentimes, those that are over-sensitive to rejection have experienced significant rejection in the past, although there are some who have more of a biological propensity to being over-sensitive to rejection.  Possibly, they have received strong parental criticism or verbal and/or physical abuse and neglect as a child.  Others may have been victimized by significant bullying and negative peer relationships, and with continual taunting and ridicule, grew up believing that they were “no good”.  Oftentimes, those that have experienced significant rejection, also anticipate that they will continue to be rejected or criticized.  This isn’t about feeling bad about making mistakes.  It is only about self-rejection.

Unfortunately, those who remain oversensitive to rejection and continue doubting themselves oftentimes become over-dependent on others for validation and support.  As the quality or equality of the relationship swings the pendulum to a lopsided relationship, partners oftentimes feel they are “walking on eggs” and have to be careful how they approach sensitive subjects ,or they may puppet or connive the sensitive person towards being controlled by them with the use of criticism and condemnation if not followed.  Regardless, the relationship is impacted by one struggling with an oversensitivity to rejection. 

For many, it is not easy to learn not to be self-rejecting.  It’s usually a habit developed over a lifetime.  However, it may be worth the battle to go inside and fight those invisible tigers.  With research suggesting that we can change the hard drive in our brains by how we think, it seems like a worthwhile pursuit. 

Claudia A. Liljegren, MSW, LICSW

Worry is a definite fiend that robs many people from their normal sleeping schedule.  In fact, researchers have found that 25% of adults say their worries keep them tossing and turning at night.  Apparently, there is a direct link between fretting during the day-time and sleep disturbance at night. 

Of course, all of us worry from time to time.  However, worrying becomes the problem in and of itself when we battle at night trying to sleep, or we can’t concentrate the next day.  Not being able to sleep can take its toll on our bodies and our emotion, even if worrying isn’t part of the story.  Here are some suggestions to keep worrying at bay when it is excessive or not helpful:

1. Keep a pad and pencil near the bed to jot down reminders of what to do if your worrying is focused on remembering to get tasks done.  That way, it’s off your mind and you can “let go” of it ‘til the next day.
2. Try to separate out the difference between habitual worrying and productive worrying.  Excessive worrying as a past time is usually a hindrance and causes all sorts of side effects, such as sleeping problems, concentration problems, and irritability, Become aware of when you are worrying, and consciously decide if that is what you want to continue to do with your time. 
3. Choose to “let go” of what you cannot control, and focus instead on those matters you can do something about.
4. If you choose to worry, focus on what you are worrying about exclusively.  It is apparent that Worry is knocking on your door for a reason or two.  What are those reasons?  What are the issues you need to spend time resolving?  Give your attention to the matter and process out ways to problem-solve so that Worry can go back to where it came and the issue can be handled the best you know at the time.  After reviewing the issue, you may choose that although the issue didn’t get resolved, worrying about it doesn’t bring it to resolution either, and revisiting it later may be the best course of action
5. Realize that worrying can be unquenchable, with racing thoughts, ruminations, obsessive tendencies and the continual “what if’s” building to a fearful and anxious character that struggles with discovering the opposite, relaxation or finding joy the moment. 
6. Practicing relaxation efforts can also help break up worrying episodes, such as paying attention to and managing your breath or heart rate, visualizing and detailing good memories, identifying enjoyable interests and practicing distraction from useless worrying, keep your focus on the big picture, and above all, be aware when you are worrying and decipher if that is distracting yourself from useless worrying or helpful in resolving things. 

If you experience anxiety that is not better managed with these suggestions and it impacts your health or your life satisfaction, you should consider seeking professional help.  There is a good chance that psychotherapy and/or medications can help put your worries down, allowing the sleep fairy to return again, splashing fairy dust onto you, and singing bedtime songs as you begin your sleeping journey through the night.

Claudia Liljegren, MSW, LICSW

First of all, what really is Happiness:  According to Webster, it can mean lots of things:  wealth, self-gratification, exhilaration, bliss, etc.  For our sake, we will define happiness as contentedness, pleasurable satisfaction, and one which is peaceful and rests without desires.  According to Aristotle, “Happiness is the meaning and the purpose of life, the whole aim and end of human existence”.          

According to The Happiness Project, by Gretchen Rubin, it is not “self-centered” to work at being happy.  When we feel happy, we feel more light-hearted and are more able to eliminate the bad feelings or actions we oftentimes get stuck in, such as over-eating, drinking, gossiping, being irritable, being uninterested in others, being selfish and wanting our way, and doubting that happiness is possible.

If we work very hard to be happy, and mind you, it takes very hard work to be happy in this world, we may feel right and good, and more content in the midst of our battles.

So, how do I get there?  Here are some ideas:

• Wish to be happy, and challenge those thoughts that guard your efforts; Is the glass full or empty?  If I think I’m happier, I am happier
• Fight the tigers of negative thought patterns.  Hurdles are easier to swallow than big, monstrous, unpassable mountains
• Focus on what is good and right.  Be lighthearted, generous, creative, kind, encouraging and helpful
• Remember in detail the good memories of yesterday
• Meditate on the good characteristics of others.  We all have an angel and devil on our shoulders. Seek the angel – in you and in others.  The one, who gets the most attention, wins.
• Realize that we all make mistakes, and being fair usually ends with a  positive outcome
• Recognize the good experiences you are having right now that you would normally not spot
• Make other people happy
• Practice laughing
• Realize that the years are short
• Put yourself in control of your attitude 
• Set your goal on what is meaningful and with purpose

Of course, Happiness does not take the reality out of living.  We still go through many hardships; loved one’s passing, family conflicts, mental illness, poverty, cold wars, endless political battles, illness, and so on.  Life is not easy.  We need to solve our problems and not pretend they don’t exist.  We need to have hope that this too shall pass.

Happiness is an attitude.  It is a resolution. It is a decision.  It is a life-long goal or path we can take so that we are better equipped to deal with the rough spots of the many troubles we face each today.

Claudia A. Liljegren, MSW, LICSW

Making mistakes is not an easy thing, especially when it impacts others, or our conscience, or our ego.  Many find it very difficult to even acknowledge being wrong.  Instead, it may seem more pliable to make excuses, blame the circumstances onto things beyond our control, or point the finger at someone else that could be touted as being responsible, and as a replacement take the fall.   Admitting a mistake oftentimes takes courage to be sufficiently humble, especially if it requires a request for forgiveness.  The funny thing is, making mistakes is part of life.  Even for those that say their biggest mistake was admitting to one they really didn’t make. 

So, what is the error of making a mistake?  Is the problem actually making a mistake or not admitting to one?  For those that prefer to live under a false pretense that making a mistake is unacceptable, they may also be displaying an underlying dread that screams out-loud one’s fear of being considered weak and imperfect by others or themselves.  The fear of being judged or unaccepted by self/others compounds the need to deny their wrongs, maintain a sense of hidden pride, and resume a superficial façade that mistakes are signs of weakness.  As an anonymous author writes, “Making mistakes is better than faking perfections “

If mistake making is really part of being human and no one is perfect in their own right, maybe the biggest error of making a mistake is not seeing its value?  The denial of making mistakes truly is a short-gap measure to growth and learning.   What a loss it would be to make a mistake, without resolve; without guilt and remorse, without forgiveness and consolation, without recovery and change, and without the recognition that we all give and receive mistakes just as part of our human condition.  Acknowledging our mistakes keeps us honest, humble, more accepting, and allows us to breathe a contrite spirit amongst us. 

Making mistakes is obviously not the practical or desirable means towards growth.  We truly do not intentionally go about seeking a means to make mistakes.  However, acknowledging them surely gives us the opportunity to move forward if we allow it. 

Claudia A. Liljegren, MSW, LICSW

What would it be like to be a prime target of COVID-19?  As already deemed a high risk, you may now be dealing with health problems or at least recognize that your health could be compromised.  With this, you could likely experience heightened anxiety and fearful thoughts of any potential signs of the virus, such as getting a spiked temperature or an unexpected cough.  You also may be much more alert to those that might expose the virus to you, and in turn isolate as a safeguard. The anxiety and fear become monumental in its own right, and the prime target could become overcome with a sense of demise.

And then, what would it be like to be a prime target of COVID-19, and be in a facility residing with other residents who not only have been or could be exposed themselves, but also by the staff taking care of you?  Each and every uncertainty is present while anxiety and fear can be compounded with daily reminders from the 24/7 news breaks, social media, practicing social distance inside the facility through meal isolation, staff masks and goggles, and then being even more isolated from outside visitors in accordance to government safety practices,

It could become too much to bear for some if they allowed themselves to focus only on the risks.  It would be easy to allow such anxiety to overload anyone with these fears.  Emotions can definitely take a toll on anyone if they allowed it.

Unfortunately, COVID-19 has spread in various nursing homes and other residential facilities in the country.  However, the precautions taken to ward off any chance of transmission has been monumental.  All the safeguards installed readily display the enormity of this effort.  Hats go off to those that have worked so hard to ensure the best possible outcome for these individuals.

And, hats go off to all those that have been able to muster themselves enough to manage this whole ordeal.  They have had to come to a place within themselves that has moved beyond what they cannot control, and take each moment as it comes – again, one of the hallmarks of being elderly.  Let’s all take pride in our elderly and learn from their wisdom and insight.

Claudia A. Liljegren, MSW, LICSW